Why Notre Dame Football Needs Red Panda

Notre Dame football needs to get over the hump and win a championship. That’s where Red Panda comes in.

A few months ago, in a compelling exposé on the positive effects of a certain performer on the Notre Dame men’s and women’s basketball programs, I revealed to you all the true MVP of sports halftime shows.

Red Panda, whose routine is the most exhilarating ten minutes in history involving bowls, a unicycle, and catching things on one’s head, is far and away one of the biggest reasons the Fighting Irish hoops teams have seen success in recent years. Booking her for a show essentially guarantees not only a family-friendly, exciting experience for all, but also a victory for Notre Dame.

Thus, this will be an easy argument for me to make – HIRE RED PANDA FOR FOOTBALL GAMES!

Now, I know what some of you are probably immediately thinking – can she ride a unicycle successfully on a football field? We aren’t talking about the smooth, polished wood of Purcell Pavilion here. Nay, we are talking about a softer surface that is tread on by humongous man-children wearing spiked shoes and tackling each other.

Apr 16, 2016; South Bend, IN, USA; A general view of Notre Dame Stadium during the first quarter of the Blue-Gold Game. The Blue team defeated the Gold team 17-7. Notre Dame Stadium is in the middle of a two year project to build classroom and student center space as well as media families and premium seating. Mandatory Credit: Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports /

However, we also aren’t talking about a patchy, bumpy, natural-grass field. The bane of football field traditionalists will be a boon for Red Panda, who will certainly see her unicycle tire glide much smoother over the artificial turf of the Notre Dame Stadium field than she would on any real grass, no matter how well-kept. Thus, although it may not be as easy as a basketball court, Red Panda, an expert unicyclist, should be able to navigate the field with ease (and have a more cushioned surface than basketball, if she were to take a rare-for-her tumble).

So with the feasibility of the act out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks. If you’ve read my analysis of Red Panda’s effect on Notre Dame basketball’s win percentage over the years, it’s clear why the football team could use her. Although Brian Kelly has been “consistent” in his six years at Notre Dame, he has also lost his fair share of games that really should never have been lost.

That’s where the mojo and magic and mystique of Red Panda step in. Considering the 10-1 record that Red Panda bestowed upon the ND basketball teams, she would immediately tip the scales in any and all winnable games in favor of the Irish on the gridiron.

Issues with fumbles in the waning moments against Northwestern?

Let Red Panda loose.

Seeing lots of issues in the middle of a thunderstorm against South Florida?

Bring out Red Panda (as long as there is not a threat of lightning – she’s riding pretty high off of the ground, after all).

Problems with freshmen tossing interceptions against Tulsa?

Well, maybe try not calling that play when you could just kick a field goal. OR, you could hire Red Panda to make that whole scenario disappear and restore honor to your family!

No matter the issue, Red Panda and her magnificent proclivity for kicking entire stacks of bowls from foot to head can resolve it.

And while we are on this topic, let’s discuss the Notre Dame marching band’s halftime performances. Typically very enjoyable and always fun to see what shapes they will run around in on the field, there are still one or two games a year when the band’s performances disappoint just a bit – and I’m not saying it’s the seemingly-annual show that involves the band Chicago, but I’m also not not saying that.

Sep 19, 2015; South Bend, IN, USA; The Notre Dame marching band performs in the pregame ceremony before the game between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Notre Dame Stadium. Notre Dame won 30-22. Mandatory Credit: Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports /

Imagine the marching band being led onto the field by a small woman on a unicycle, streaming onto the turf around her as she waves to a frenzied crowd and the band belts out “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada on their gleaming instruments. The band performs a few more songs as Red Panda executes her routine to perfection and brings the crowd to its collective feet, begging for more and forgetting they didn’t pay $125 each to see this show, but instead, football.

As the stadium reaches a fever pitch, the band takes the shape of a stick figure on a unicycle (complete with a unicycle wheel of band members running around in a circle to show the unicycle moving across the field) and a small contingent of them sprint from the foot to the head of her, acting as the bowl in this human depiction of china-flipping greatness and timing their finish (landing upon the circle of band members combining to form the stick figure’s head) with Red Panda’s grand finale of like ten bowls flipped and caught on her own, non-stick-figure head.